A Study of Cliches
by Aksannyi
Summary: Sometimes, it feels as though everything has been done, and I've seen it all before. This is pure satire. It DOES contain Tiva, but it's mainly a commentary piece. Rated T for mild swearing. Reviews would be lovely. Second chapter added, NOW COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

It's come to my attention that some certain aspects have become completely overused in Tiva fics, and I, for one, am tired of them. So, a humorous/commentary piece on the overused clichés of NCIS, with the most horrendously overused storylines I can think of, in the point of view of none other than our Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo. Who else could narrate a spoof?

This isn't meant to be serious, in fact, it's supposed to be a humor fic. So while it may seem to start seriously, trust me, it's satire. Pure satire.

Oh, this is also Tiva, for sure, but god help us if this ever happens on the show. I'll kill the writers myself.

**Disclaimer:**

Not mine. Neither are the overused storylines. In fact, I can't really lay claim to anything at all in this story. The characters aren't mine and neither are the scenarios, because they've all been done to death.

To _death._

**An study of clichés. **

A commentary piece.

* * *

**Hospitals lead to realizations.**

It shouldn't have taken her lying in a hospital bed unconscious for me to realize that I was in love with her. Should have realized months - perhaps years - ago that I had fallen for Ziva, but it took me standing in her hospital room, watching over her eerily sleeping form to realize that if I'd lost her, I'd lose my mind.

And from that moment on, I realized as I peered down at her, I knew that I had to tell her. Time is always running from us, and I was running from the truth.

So she woke up, and without thinking first, and without even saying anything, I kissed her.

**Which leads to embarrassing admissions.**

"I love you, Ziva," I said, promptly inserting my foot in my mouth as soon as I pulled my mouth off of her lips. Her shocked expression said it all, really.

"Do you confess such strong emotions to every woman you kiss, Tony, or just the ones who are lying in a hospital bed?"

This woman is too damn sharp for her own good, but I suppose that's why she's gotten so deeply under my skin in the first place.

"I just realized that if you, um, you know...died," I paused, "and I didn't get to tell you, I'd regret it. Forever."

"You are an idiot." This was not going well.

"I'm your idiot," I pointed out. Is that a smile? She's smiling. Smirking. Well, that's a start, right?

"Tony, I only had a slight concussion, and was admitted purely for the sake of observation."

I grinned sheepishly, and I figured to hell with it, and I kissed her again. And she didn't pull away, so that was a start, right?

**Which, of course, leads to getting caught.**

"DiNozzo, I didn't think I'd have to remind you of rule number twelve," Gibbs barked, killing the moment.

"Uh, boss..."

"Save it. You have work to do. Yours and McGee's, because you felt it was necessary to disobey one of my rules."

Ziva started to laugh, until Gibbs shot a pointed look at her, too, and said, "David, you are not exempt. When you are back on duty, there will be extra work waiting for you, as well."

"Ha!" I shouted, not caring that this was a hospital and I should probably keep my voice down.

Gibbs slapped me. I _really _should have seen it coming.

**Which leads to death threats. **

When Gibbs left the room, naturally, I thought I should just pick right back up where I left off. Ziva didn't agree. She smacked me. Harder than Gibbs had, even!

"What was that for?"

"For getting me into trouble."

"I didn't see you fighting me off, David," I reminded her. She reached her hand up to smack me again, but I caught it in mid-air.

"Release my hand, Tony. I'm sure there are paper clips in this hospital." I grimaced.

"Your threat of death by paperclip is terrifying, truly," I began, "but don't you think it's gotten a bit worn out at this point?"

"You mention 'point.' Would you wish for me to kill you with something more pointy?"

"I would not like for you to kill me at all. But why the obsession with paper clips?"

"They are easily accessible, versatile, and I can carry them with me on airplanes without being stopped at the security gates." Ziva has this way of saying things in such a matter-of-fact way that it is actually kind of scary.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're a crazy ninja chick?"

"Only about seven thousand times a day, Tony."

I smiled. To my surprise, she smiled back.

**Which leads to overuse and abuse of pet names.**

The nurse walked in then, and handed Ziva some papers to sign so she could leave the hospital. Another interruption, though this one I didn't really mind because it did not come with a threat of additional work and painful slaps to the head.

"Are you Mr. David?" The nurse asked, directing her question at me.

"Anthony DiNozzo," I responded. "Ziva's partner."

"My apologies, sir. Will you be escorting your girlfriend as she leaves the hospital?" I didn't bother to correct her, and shockingly, neither did Ziva.

"Yes, ma'am."

"She may leave now, if you'd like to help her to the car," the nurse directed. I glanced at Ziva, who was already getting out of the bed and reaching for her bag of clothes so that she could change.

"Need help getting dressed, sweet cheeks?" I asked. I know how she hates that pet name.

"No, _hairy butt, _I think I can manage," she responded through gritted teeth. She hates 'sweet cheeks,' but I actually kinda like 'hairy butt.' She doesn't know that, though. It's an endearing endearment, actually, one that's completely unique to Ziva, and that's what makes it so great. No one else will ever call me hairy butt.

"Well, I'll be right here, my sweetest of cheekies." I had to try my damnedest to stifle a laugh as I caught the look she threw in my direction as she headed into the bathroom to change.

The nurse just stood there, confused.

I love doing that to people.

**Which leads to another set of death threats.**

We got back to her apartment without issue, and I know Ziva wanted me to just drop her off, but gentleman that I am, I knew I couldn't leave her alone so soon after she'd just left the hospital. Minor concussion or not.

She will never admit that she was grateful.

We ordered a pizza, and as we waited for it to arrive, I decided to push my luck a little further, and sat down right next to her on the sofa. Almost on her lap. And put my arm around her. And kissed her cheek.

She didn't pull away.

But the damn doorbell rang, and I should have known it was coming. Pizza guys have the worst possible timing.

I answered the door, wallet in hand, only to find Gibbs, and not my delicious pizza.

Okay, scratch that, Gibbs has worse timing than pizza guys.

"Boss?" I asked, wondering what he wanted.

"Out here a second, DiNozzo," he said, motioning for me to step outside the apartment. I did as I was told.

"Don't."

"Don't what, boss?"

"Don't hurt her, don't leave her, don't do anything stupid. If you think I won't kill you, you might want to rethink that." I gulped.

"Uh, okay boss, but really, we're not-"

"Save it, DiNozzo, I know what I saw." Apparently not. Better just agree, though. It'll be less painful.

"Uh, okay boss. I'll be good." I barely got done speaking when he reached up and slapped me again. I looked at him quizzically.

"For breaking my rules."

"You already hit me for that one," I whined.

"And I'm gonna keep hitting you for it."

Crap.

"Looks like your food is here. Stay out of trouble, DiNozzo."

I paid the pizza man, bidding a goodbye to my superior. "On it, boss."

**Which leads to awkward conversations.**

I set the pizza down on the coffee table, and went back to the kitchen to retrieve some plates. When I finished that, I sat down next to Ziva again, though further away this time, to allow us both the space we needed to eat.

"Why was Gibbs here?"

Crap. Do I go with honesty, or do I go with bullshit?

"Uh, to make sure you're gonna be all right," I lied. Yeah, coward, whatever.

"I don't think so, Tony," she said, and I could tell that she knew that I was lying. Should have known. I can't hide anything from this woman.

"Heh," I started. "He came by to yell at me for breaking his rules again. And to, uh ... tell me not to hurt you. And threaten me."

"But we're not-"

"I know, that's what I tried to tell him."

"Maybe we should, then," she said. I nearly dropped my pizza on the floor. She noticed I was stunned, and continued. "You meant what you said. Today. In the hospital." It was a statement, but I knew it was kind of a question, too.

"Uh, yeah." I shifted uncomfortably.

"I was unable to properly respond."

"You seemed to have a response ready pretty quickly," I pointed out.

"Diffusing the situation with humor, yes. I believe I may have learned that one from you."

"Perhaps, but the death threats are yours and yours alone," I deadpanned.

"Regardless, I was fairly stunned at your admission." She was speaking quietly now, so quietly that I felt like I had to watch her intently so as not to miss anything. I may be an idiot - _her _idiot - but I'm not completely inept. I know when something important is coming that I need to pay attention to. "Mostly because I did not think that you could, you know, _mean _it."

"I did."

"I know." She was looking in my eyes, and I knew that I had to just kiss her. So I did. And she tasted as good as I remembered. And I just allowed myself to enjoy it, even though it was over so quickly, and we pulled apart again, and I looked into her eyes, and she said it.

"I love you too, Tony."

Now it was my turn to be stunned.

**Which leads to overly sappy gift opportunities.**

So she loves me. I was actually stunned, though I suppose looking back I shouldn't have been. So I did the only thing I could think of: I kissed her again.

Kissing Ziva is like nothing else in the world. She has this completely intoxicating taste, this exhilarating scent, and this incredible feel about her. It just makes my head spin.

It's actually kind of awesome.

But it can't last forever, so we pull apart again, and before I even know what I'm doing, I get up from the sofa and grab my jacket, reaching in my pocket. When I find what I am looking for, I sit back down beside her, and hand her the box.

She opens it. I suspect she knew what it was going to be before she even opened it, because really, what else could I possibly think to get her that wouldn't be totally cliché? But she looked down at the star of David necklace, then up at me, and smiled.

"What was this for?" she asked.

"Because you just needed to have it," I answered.

It was true. She knew it, I knew it, everyone knew it. And everyone could have predicted that I'd notice that her necklace was missing when she returned from Somalia, and everyone could have probably guessed that I would buy her a new one, and give it to her.

What, did you expect me to get her an engagement ring?

I actually left that one in the car.

**Which leads to money being forked over as uninvolved parties bet on the welfare of friends. **

I stayed over that night, just to keep an eye on her. We didn't have sex, believe it or not. I was definitely interested, but I wasn't going to push my luck, for one, and she did have a pretty long day.

Some might say that's a sign of maturity, and they're probably right. Three years ago I would have been more concerned with sex than anything else. I've changed, but in a good way.

My phone rings, interrupting my thoughts. Abby.

"Yes, Abs?"

"So a little bird by the name of Gibbs stopped by and happened to mention that he caught the two of you breaking one of his rules, but he didn't say anything else. What were you doing?" She sounded almost accusatory.

"What is this, an interrogation?"

"Tony!" she sang loudly. "Tell me!"

"He caught me kissing her, and he slapped the absolute hell out of me," I replied. You can't lie to Abby. You can possibly get one or two past Gibbs, but you can not get anything past Abby.

She spoke again, but not to me. "I told you, Timmy, now pay up!"

"Abby, did you place a bet on-"

"Of course, Tony. I knew it would happen eventually." Smug. I hear it in her voice.

"You're too much," I replied, hanging up the phone. Ziva had heard the end of the conversation, and caught my eye, shaking her head.

"What do you want to bet those two will end up together?" I asked, and she punched me lightly on the shoulder.

"I don't know, Tony, perhaps we should ask them how much they bet on the two of us."

**Which leads to overuse of the L-word. Sickening overuse, in fact.**

"I love you," I said to her, for no reason at all.

"I love you, too," she responded, and nuzzled her face into my neck. It felt good there. I breathed in the scent of her.

And every chance I got, I told her.

Ziva always laughed and responded in kind. Sometimes she said it first, but usually, it was me.

I said it again at work. Fourteen times, in fact.

"Do you think you'll ever get tired of hearing that?" I asked her as we drove to Subway for lunch.

"No, but I think everyone else will," she replied with a twinkle in her eyes.

"I do love you."

"I know, and I love you, too."

**Fin.**

**Author's notes: **And now for my list of over-used clichés, in order of appearance, and with a brief explanation of why they annoy me:

1. Hospital scene admissions: I get this, I really do. Nothing like thinking you've lost someone to make you want to tell them how you feel. It's just been done. To death.

2. "Too soon" L-word use: Guys, no one kisses someone for the first time then says that they love that person. Ever. This goes for the first time they have sex, too.

3. Getting caught by Gibbs: For the humor this provides, I'm not terribly opposed to this one, though it seems Gibbs is always the one doing the catching. Maybe McGee or Vance could find them one time. Maybe?

4. Death by paper clip: Yes, it was funny and cute. The first five thousand times I read it. Not to mention the time it was used on the show. Ziva is a trained assassin. I think she can find other household objects with which to kill Tony. I applaud the originality of those who can find another object for Tony to die by, and continue to groan when "eighteen different ways with a paper clip" is mentioned.

5. Sweet cheeks and hairy butt: Endearing, yes, but it's not like they regularly call each other that. And people are together, they use more than one endearment. Dear, sweetie, babe, love, etc. Sure, we have our pet names, but trust me, those aren't the only ones we use.

6. The "Gibbs as father" talk: How many times have I read the line, "If you break her heart, I'll break you?" I happen to think that Gibbs thinks that Ziva can take care of herself.

7. The unrelated segue: This section isn't a study of a cliché in itself. I just needed a segue. It's not really an NCIS cliché, per se, but a literary one. BUSTED!

8. The necklace: How many of these fics exist? How many of them are _Exactly. The. Freaking. Same._ All of them. Enough! While I dig the idea of Tony gifting Ziva with a new necklace, I really would hope that he'd do something more creative because even he knows that it's cliché and expected.

9. L-word over usage: People really don't say "I love you" that much. It bugs the crap out of me to read a fic that uses the ILU exchange fifty times.

Honorable mention: I didn't use these, but I think "tongues fighting for dominance" and "stopping only to breathe" deserve mention, because I think people just copy-paste kiss paragraphs from each other.

**Final notes: **I had fun with this. It's not meant to be taken too seriously. I have just grown weary of seeing so much of the same exact stuff written over and over again. This was also a great way for me to break out of my recent lack of writing. I hope this was entertaining, and feel free to mention any clichés that I may have neglected to mention.

Thanks for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, I couldn't help it, I decided that I needed to write a second chapter after I read through some more fics over a particularly boring weekend and found that I missed plenty more of them. Though it certainly doesn't come quite close to scratching the surface of all of the ones that exist.

Tony's still narrating. He did such a good job on the first chapter.

* * *

**Thinking of proposing leads to asking for permission.**

I don't know what it is that got me so nervous about it, but I felt my palms getting sweaty as I approached Gibbs in his basement and asked if I could speak to him.

He turned and looked at me, and I swear in that moment he already knew what was going to come out of my mouth before I did. How on earth does Gibbs know these things? Abby might just be right, that Gibbs is magic, or at least psychic. Gibbs just knows things. And I don't really know how he knows them.

He looked at me expectantly. Smooth move, ask if I can talk and then say nothing.

"Uh, boss. I was thinking," I started. I ran my hand through my hair nervously.

"Spit it out, DiNozzo," he coaxed impatiently, though he didn't stop sanding the boat so I don't know why he was so irritated, not like I was really interrupting anything.

"Yeah. Um, I want to ask Ziva to marry me."

"And you want my permission?"

"Well ... yeah." I braced myself for impact, but surprisingly, no slap.

"Why are you asking me and not her father?"

"I thought I stood a better chance of living through the night this way, boss." He smirked in response, and I knew I had a point. Though with Gibbs, I might have been better off asking Eli David.

I can't help wondering why I picked the woman with the two scariest men in the universe to protect her.

**Which leads to the shocking revelation that I'd waited too long. Apparently.**

"No objections here, Tony," he responded, which shocked the hell out of me.

"Really? But what about-"

"I'm not blind, DiNozzo, I'm actually surprised it took you this long."

"We've only been together a month, boss," I said, confused. Talk about rushing things, holy crap.

"To realize you two belonged together," he responded. Honestly, if I wasn't looking right at him, I would have thought it was Abby with some sort of a voice disguising program, pretending to be Gibbs just to mess with me. As it was, I wasn't entirely sure that I was really hearing the boss man quite right.

"Well, uh, thanks boss," I said, still a bit befuddled by it all. Befuddled. Where in the hell did that word come from? Befuddled. _I find myself so charmingly befuddled. _Ah yes, 'Family Guy.' I certainly do feel like I'm in one of those chick flicks that scene was referring to.

I lurched forward as a hand connected with the back of my skull. Damn it, can't I go one day?

"Get out of here, DiNozzo, and go get yourself engaged."

I nodded in Gibbs' general direction, then made my way back up the stairs.

**Which leads to sleepiness ensuring things do not quite go to plan.**

It was about ten in the evening when I got back to my apartment, and I wasn't surprised to find Ziva there, watching soccer. Since I have about nine thousand channels, she managed to find an Israeli match and was watching it intently. She once mentioned that soccer was not really a sport she enjoyed, but it reminded her of her childhood, watching games with Tali and Ari.

She stood up when she noticed me, and a big smile spread across her face.

"Well, hairiest of butts, what would you like to do this evening?"

"Movie?" I suggest.

She yawns. "I am kind of tired, Tony, I do not think I could stay up. It is pretty late to start watching a movie."

"What? Are you crazy? It's never too late to watch a movie."

"Well I am sure that I will fall asleep."

"Nonsense. We'll watch _Forrest Gump_. It's a classic! You'll love it. There's no way you'll fall asleep." And besides, if I'm going to work up the nerve to ask her, I'm gonna need the length of this movie to do so.

I pop the movie in and we settle to watch it. Ziva leans against my chest and I put my arm around her, enjoying the closeness. I quickly become absorbed in the story of the young boy meeting his one true love, so much so, that I don't even realize that Ziva is asleep by the time Forrest makes it to high school.

Well, shit. Guess I'm not proposing tonight. I mean, I could wake her, but if I do that, she might be angry, and angry Ziva scares me. And I want her to be in a good mood before I ask her to be my wife. Not that I think she'll say no, because, after all, who wouldn't wanna marry Tony DiNozzo, but I still don't want to take any chances.

No, I'd better not wake her up. Which leaves me in a hell of a predicament, because she's lying on me, and I have to pee.

Crap. Well, maybe if I sort of ease myself out from underneath her...

I'm squirming, just slightly enough to move but not so much as to wake her. It's doing nothing for the fact that I. Really. Have. To. Go. Pee. I scoot a bit further out from under Ziva, and she stirs in her sleep and manages to somehow entangle my thigh with her left arm.

"Ziva, I swear you are going to kill me," I mutter under my breath. "But god, I will love every second of it as you do." Magically, she releases her grip on me, and I quickly scoot away from her before her subconscious changes its mind, and I run to the bathroom to relieve myself.

As I'm washing my hands afterward, I can't help but wonder just how the hell anyone could sleep through _Forrest Gump._ It's a classic!

**Which leads to a bullpen proposal amongst practically everyone.**

I tried, unsuccessfully, to ask the woman to marry me, seven times throughout the day. Over breakfast, I started to ask the question, and she dropped her fork on the floor. She quickly hopped up to retrieve another one.

Moment killed.

The second time, we were driving to work. She was driving, in fact, and she reached over and took my hand. The word 'will' started to come out of my mouth as she slammed on the brakes, apparently not completely aware that the light in front of us was plotting to change to red.

They do have yellow lights in Israel, I'm told, she just ignored them over there, too.

The third time I'd just about worked up the nerve, we were in the elevator, and I reached my hand into my pocket to grab the ring, when the damn thing dinged and some dweeb from accounting - I think - stepped in.

I rolled my eyes, silently cursing my bad luck.

The fourth time, at the hastily abandoned house of a suspect, I really just wanted to blurt it out, but in walked Gibbs before I even got the chance. Gibbs had given me permission, but he obviously didn't realize I'd chosen that moment. Looking back, the house of a murderer would probably not be a great place to propose.

The fifth time, over lunch, I reached over and took Ziva's hands in mine and told her I loved her, and wouldn't you know it, Abby chose the exact same restaurant to have her lunch hour. And joined us, with a greatly exaggerated "Awww," alerting me to her presence and interrupting me yet again.

I was starting to get irritated, though all of these people couldn't know what I was trying to do, could they?

The sixth time, we were in the observation room, waiting for Gibbs to bring in our suspect. He'd be arriving any second, but I figured I'd have enough time to pull out the damn ring and say four simple words.

I was wrong. As soon as I got my hands around the box in my pocket, the door slammed open and Gibbs sat the disheveled man in the chair opposite him.

The seventh time, I followed her up the stairs to MTAC, greatly trying to resist the urge to grab her ass (but at least enjoying the view), when I figured I might as well just go for it, and ran to catch up to her, tripping over my own damn untied shoelace, busting my face on the top step.

"Tony!" She exclaimed.

"I'm fine ... I'm fine," I waved off. I looked around. Everyone had noticed my great spill. Awesome job, DiNozzo. And as I stood up, and people continued to watch with great interest - perhaps to see if they could get a glimpse of any blood - I decided that right then and there would be a great place to propose, with everyone watching.

"Am I bleeding, Ziva?" I asked. If anything, I did not want to be bloody while proposing.

"No."

"Good." I reached into my pocket. "Well now that everyone has quite literally seen me fall for Ziva," I started, inwardly groaning at my own bad pun and kneeling on one knee, "I guess they might as well watch me continue to make a public ass of myself."

"Oh, my god," she murmured, so quietly that I barely heard her. Her cheeks were turning pink as she realized exactly what was taking place.

"Ziva, will you marry me?"

She nodded. "Yes," she said simply, seemingly too shocked to say anything more. I slid the ring on her finger, and everyone clapped, including Vance, and I'm pretty sure I heard a squeal from Abby. Wait, Abby? Why wasn't she in her lab? And wasn't that the janitor I saw in the corner?

I pulled her into my arms and kissed her passionately, the big goofy grin on my face matching hers as we sealed it: we were engaged.

And then I felt our foreheads crash together as Gibbs, from out of absolutely nowhere, came along and slapped us both.

**Which leads to talks about keeping it out of the office.**

"Ow!" Ziva and I cried in unison, rubbing our foreheads.

"You both know better than that! I'm changing Rule 12. To: Keep it out of my damn office!"

"Well boss, we just got engaged, you know, god it was just one kiss," I tried to explain, "and proper office etiquette in today's job market pretty much dictates that those who date in the workplace don't do it _at work._"

He glared at me. I looked to Ziva for help.

"Even in Israel we know better than to duck into offices for quick rendezvous, and other such inappropriate behavior"

"See? We know how it is! Everyone in America knows better than to get freaky at work! You didn't even have to tell us." I mean come on. Everyone in the universe knows you don't mess around at your job. How dumb does he think we are?

"Congratulations, Agent DiNozzo, Agent David," Vance cut in. "I trust you know that canoodling in the workplace will not be tolerated."

"Of course, sir," I responded. Ziva nodded.

"Head slap wasn't necessary, Agent Gibbs. It seems your agents are well aware of the consequences of letting their personal relationship interfere with their work."

"What if I just like doing it, Leon?" he asked with a slightly wicked looking grin.

Ziva and I ran down the stairs and back to our desks so quickly, we might have broken the sound barrier trying to get away.

**Which leads to a wedding full of jumbled, confused vows. **

Before I knew it, the big day had arrived, and I was standing at the altar looking at the woman I loved, dressed gorgeously in white, as she promised to love me - _yes, me _- for the rest of her life.

We'd written our own vows, and I was anxiously anticipating the moment when Ziva would tell me what was in her heart. Not that I didn't already know, but I never got tired of hearing her say it.

She was first, and the minister announced the fact that we had chosen to write our own vows. She pulled out a tiny slip of paper and began to read the words that she had written:

"I never was one to wear my heart on my wrist. Never expected that I would want to tie the bow. When I met you, Tony, I did not think the leopard could change his stripes. But I fell knees over heels for you anyway, and eventually, you did bloom. And as I stand here, you are my best friend. The apple of my sight. I trust you implicitly, with my life. Loving you is the frosting on the cupcake. And I promise to love you until the goats come home."

I laughed heartily. I'd written vows, but I suddenly chose to speak from the heart. "Ziva, I love everything about you, the fact that no one else in this entire room has any idea what you just said, but I understood you perfectly. From the moment you walked into my life, you've baffled me a thousand times, and you'll probably continue to. If every day in our lives together is as unpredictable as all the days before now, I can't see how I will ever be able to stop loving you."

I had tears in my eyes at this point, which kind of shocked me. Hey, I don't cry! But she had tears, too, and I could tell, what I'd said meant everything to her. I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with this woman.

**Which leads to contemplations of family.**

Looking over the room at the people who'd come to celebrate with Ziva and myself, I couldn't help smile at the family I'd gained over the years. There was the grandfather figure, the somewhat weird cousin, the little brother, the little sister, and of course, the only man I've ever come to regard as a father.

I thought perhaps I should tell him that.

Wait, what the hell am I thinking? No way. Gibbs doesn't do sappy. I'm actually surprised he's still here and not at home with a sheet of sandpaper in his basement.

And rounding out the family, I found, was the best of all: my new wife. Yes, I suppose I really did have a family at NCIS, both in the figurative sense, and now in the literal sense.

I mentally slapped myself in the back of the head for thinking such sappy thoughts.

**Which leads to a dominant female partner in the bedroom.**

The sex had been amazing from the first time, and never ceased to be. Every time with Ziva was something new, something different. Sex with her was adventurous and exhilarating.

I was, however, wondering why it was that I always felt myself pinned down on the bed while she practically danced on top of me. I know she said she enjoyed being on top, but damn, she sure does hold me down like I'm a wrestling opponent!

It's not to say that we don't enjoy different positions. But no matter how many different ways we find to do it, somehow, I always wind up on my back, pinned down beneath my sweet assassin, being reminded that she loves being on top.

And I always tell her that I _know_ she does, and she always giggles.

Ziva.

Giggles.

Goddamn, Ziva can do whatever she wants to me as long as she never stops making that incredibly sexy giggling noise every time she pins me down.

**Which leads to pregnancy.**

"Two pink lines," she said with a big smile on her face, emerging from the bathroom.

"Yes!" I said, pumping my fist into the air. Ziva practically jumped into my arms, and I kissed her like it was the first time, the last time, and every time in between. I love this woman, and now I get to love our child.

I'm seriously going to be a father.

Holy fucking shit.

The thought scared the hell out of me, but at the same time, it thrilled me. And all I had to do was look at Ziva to know that she felt the exact same way as I did.

"Holy crap, Ziva, we're going to be parents!"

"Yes, we certainly are," she responded, smiling as I snaked my arm around to her stomach to just marvel at the life within.

"God, I love you," I said, devouring her mouth with my own.

"I mofphopohph," she responded into my mouth, pulling me tightly to her. Hell, I know what she meant.

**Which leads to a great big happy family. **

"Abby thinks it's going to be a boy," I said to Ziva as we waited for the ultrasound tech to come in and give us our first look at our baby. I couldn't wait to find out what we were having so I could start to decorate the nursery.

"I know she does," Ziva responded. "She bet McGee fifty dollars that she'd be right."

"Probie's moving up in the world if he's betting fifty bucks nowadays," I said. Ziva smirked at me, and the ultrasound tech came in.

"Hello, Mr. and Mrs. DiNozzo, I'm Laura. We're going to have a look at your baby today," she said.

"Nice to meet you," I said, shaking her hand. A few minutes later, I was already anxiously awaiting my first look at our baby. Laura was doing some measurements, which is apparently standard, but hadn't turned the screen around to show us just yet.

"Oh!" Laura suddenly exclaimed, and I jumped slightly.

"What is it?" Ziva asked, worried.

"This is incredible," Laura began. "It seems you are expecting eight babies."

My jaw dropped to the floor, as did Ziva's. "Eight?" she squeaked.

Laura turned the monitor toward us, and proceeded to point out every last one of our children on the screen. I couldn't believe it.

"Wow, I guess it really was DiNozzo super sperm," Ziva said later as we walked to the car.

"Yeah, no kidding," I answered. The obstetrician had advised us that Ziva would most likely be on bedrest for much of the last few months of the pregnancy, and that she'd almost certainly need to have a c-section, but all of that was stuff we could deal with in the future.

For now, I was just trying to absorb the fact that I was not just having _a _child. I was having eight. Where in the hell were we going to put them all?

"Well, you said you wanted a big family, huh?" I asked Ziva.

She laughed. "This wasn't exactly what I'd had in mind."

"Yeah, no kidding. But you know what? This is going to be kind of awesome. If anyone can be the kick ass parents of eight kids, it's definitely us."

"And there is absolutely no way in hell we will ever exploit our kids to be on some shoddy reality TV show."

"It already feels like a damn soap opera, doesn't it?"

"Or some cop drama."

We laughed together then, at just how ridiculous it could be. Really? A television show about us? Who would want to watch a show about Navy cops?

**Which leads to a slew of names you almost expected us to pick out.**

The entire team gathered with us in the hospital room to meet all of our children. Did I say gathered? I mean crammed. Seriously, hospital rooms are getting smaller and smaller. Though that might have something to do with the _eight bassinettes. _

Ziva had given birth to four girls and four boys, and every last one of them is beautiful, like their mother. Though if you ask her, she'll probably say they're all striking, like their father.

We're good looking people, what do you want?

Ziva was in good spirits after her labor, which was surprisingly short. All of the babies were asleep. I'm not sure how we managed that, and I'm sure it will never happen again, but for now, I'm content to count my blessings. Ziva began to introduce the babies.

"Tony and I are proud to introduce our children. Starting with the first born, and working our way down to the baby of the babies." She paused, and everyone chuckled. "First, this is Tali Sophie. And then we have Jennifer Kelly, Timothy Leroy, Jethro Donald, Ari Michael, Caitlyn Paula, Abigail Michelle, and James Gerald." She said quickly, moving to each bassinette as she spoke, pointing to each child.

We had no trouble naming our children, after all, everyone we cared about was honored in some way by the names of our children, so we didn't really need to come up with any names of our own.

"You named one of them after me?" Jimmy said, in awe. I smiled.

"She didn't say Autopsy Gremlin," I said, and everyone laughed. I looked at McGee. "And she didn't say Probie, either, so I guess you didn't get one either, McNameless."

"Funny," was his response. He takes my teasing well.

The chatter died down along with all of the ooh-ing and aww-ing, and eventually, everyone wandered out of the room, offering congratulations and well wishes.

Finally, I was left alone with my wife, and my beautiful new family. I was overwhelmed.

"I love you so, so much, Ziva DiNozzo," I said.

"Oh, I love you more, Tony," she responded.

**Fin.**

**Notes:** This may not be quite as good as the first chapter, but I really wanted to write it. Keep in mind that I continued to build on all of the bad clichés from the first (or I tried to, anyway), so the writing is probably pretty shoddy. I know that you all know that it's all in the interest of humor. Right?

**The clichés of the second chapter: **

1. Asking Gibbs' permission to propose: Asking permission itself is a bit outdated, but really, why is Tony almost never asking Ziva's father? I know he's an asshole, but he has more authority to give Ziva away than Gibbs does.

2. "What took you so long?": Of course everyone knows but the pair in question. They've known all along. Sigh...

3. Falling asleep during a movie: If they're tired, why would they decide to watch a movie? And why do they suddenly go from this 'non-relationship' to leaning on each other, falling asleep in each others' arms?

4. Proposing in front of the team: This one is probably less prominent, but it is done, and Abby squealing in the background is definitely overused. And let's not forget the overly sappy entire office applause thing.

5. Keep it out of the office: Okay this is a given, in _every single workplace in America! _Trust me, they don't need to be told this if they wish to keep their jobs.

6. Misused English: This one is easy, because it's in pretty much every episode, but sometimes, it's just done so horribly wrong. And fic writers, take heed: once or twice in a fic is enough. She doesn't need to mess up every godforsaken sentence!

7. The team is my family: Yes, they are very much like a family, but if I have to read that Gibbs is father, McGee is brother, Ducky is grandpa, and Abby is sister, and "OH UM GEE I don't know how Tony/Ziva fits into that equation" one more time, I'm going to rip my hair out.

8. I like to be on top: Again, this is something that's been said one time on the show, and never referred to again. Protip: If I'm with a guy, for whatever reason, and I happen to mention casually that I like something, usually, unless he's a douchebag, I don't need to remind him. He'll remember.

9: Pregnancy: I know that both Tony and Ziva would be smart enough to use protection. Considering Tony has seen more skirts than Fashion Week in Paris and he doesn't have any kids running around, I think he knows better.

10: Multiple births: Twins really aren't that common, I assure you. Nor are triplets, yet somehow, every fic in which people have kids, there are some twins. Maybe not Tiva twins, but there's twins somewhere.

11: Totally uncreative names for the kids: I have two kids, and one of them was named after his father, and the other was named after no one. I am not named for anyone, my brothers are not named for anyone, my parents are not named for anyone. Not everyone needs to be named after someone else. Good god.

And that's it. I think I'm done with this piece. I only wanted to revisit it because I knew that I'd forgotten a few, and I actually kicked myself for it afterwards. So there it is. Hope you enjoyed.


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